Oscar Bjørne

As the weekday afternoon wears on and out and down, I tend to either get deeper into the tangle of work, turning into a fury of category 5 productivity or else I get further and further from the goal. If the latter is the case, come 6 or 7 o’clock and I’m a mess of ambitious thoughts without a lick of intent.

Guess what kind of day today is?

I sit in my perfect apartment, more perfect than I had hoped for and the prize of a thousand recent conquests, waist deep in political articles I’m too worn out to discuss without sounding like a leftist socialist chimp from south Berkeley. I read Hero’s and Heroine’s blogs that inspire as much as they deflate and listen to a seemingly unending playlist of Bourne Identity-esque soundtracks I’m sure I never bought. With any luck the late afternoon will form that strange lighting effect that photographers love so much, where the clouds are thick enough to darken the sky more than normal while the sun, slowly approaching the horizon will light up their undersides creating vibrant greens on the trees, an unnaturally dark gray sky and eliminating all glare from my screen.

But it’ll probably just rain. Dammit.

In the meantime I let the Bourne soundtrack do its thing. I watch people walk by, some in a terrible hurry, others, not so much. I gaze at the boats that drift by on the canal outside my window and I dream up the possibilities.

“It’s only a matter of time,” I tell myself, “before you end up buying a boat.”

What?” chastises another voice in my head. “You can’t buy a boat. That’s not part of the plan.”

“Shut up, voice. Wait, what plan?”

<span style=“font-weight: bold;“>Mistake #1. Never egg on a voice in your head that’s not yours in some form and wasn’t invited. That’s like hearing a guy in the Red Light District hiss at you, whispering, “coke?” under his breath and you turn around and ask him where you can get a better deal. Not smart.

What happened to retaining mobility and not carrying any anchors around?

I pause and think about this.

<span style=“font-weight: bold;“>Mistake #2. Even if the voice was making sense, you send if off and think later. Don’t give it a chance to get deeper into your head. If possible, find out whose voice it is but don’t dilly dally.

But it was too late. I was already thinking like I needed to move to Zurich or something even though I still have 6 months on my least and I’d just moved to the city. Get a fucking grip, Pete.

The sad thing is that this voice knows me well. Girls who watch too much Sex in the City have a tendency to think that boys have this aversion to commitment — NOT TRUE. They (the boys you’ve dated) have an aversion to commitment towards YOU.

In fact, since this is most likely the only time I will ever mention Sex in the city — ever — let me dispel a few rumors that are somewhat related to what I imagine the show speaks to (I’ve lived with  different girls over the last few years…they’ve all watched the show and one even denied it, but the bottom line is I’ve heard what they talk about, even if I’ve not watched the show:

1) Nice guys finish last.

  • NOT TRUE – Nice guys finish dead last, sometimes they even die for no good reason. You ho’s should pay more attention to the ones that are salvageable. This brings me to the next point:

2) Girls want a bad boy that turns good for them.

  • Unfortunately, true — but girls, this doesn’t make any sense and you can correct it. Do you realize how selfish and inconsiderate this feeling is? consider discussing the logic behind this because I promise you, I will not just laugh condescendingly the next time I hear a girl ask “why is it that all the guys I date turn out to be jerks?”. I will push you into a canal if I hear a friend of mine sputtering out this kind of horse-shit. The guys you date turn out to be jerks because you have bad aim. Just point your horny self at the guy not treating you like shit and you’ll find that you don’t have to put up with the “I’ll do my best to call you after the hockey game” routine. I thought you would’ve figured that one out by now.

3) Good looking women can waltz into a bar, point at a man and have mad sex with him to their heart’s content with no ties.

  • TRUE — But I know you already knew this. I just can’t figure out why it doesn’t happen more often. Scared of rejection, maybe? Get over it.

4) You don’t have to move to NYC to become an amazing sex goddess who is the master of her domain and all the men around her

  • TRUE — There is nothing in the NYC water that makes women the social equivalent of atomic bombs compared to men’s potential to be rocket scientists.Yes, the water in New York is fantastic, but that’s unrelated. There are plenty of lovely women out there. It’s just that more of you need to read Shallon’s Blog.

There’s more but I think this is plenty for now. I will quiz you on this next week, so study up, eh?

https://facebook.com/oscarbjorne Oscar Bjørne

Oscar’s day job consists of saying & writing banter for which corporate executives pay outrageous amounts to shelve and ignore. He’s a consultant at one of the largest software firms in the world, and his clients are in major capitals all over the globe. From São Paulo to Prague, from Oslo to Riyadh, Oscar lends us his notes on travel, corporate life, fast adventures and a company dime.

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