Hidden from the view of many an unsuspecting eye, the day approached like so many holidays out of nowhere. Scurrying to save face in the light of so much presence, the meek and timid who were so lucky to be invited attempt a last minute preparation for the event. It is coming, like it or not, and all are prepared for this.

But I’ll tell you this: the Beautiful and Talented Planning Committee of the Winter Ball at the Japra Mahal are ready.

–

I usually wait until after the events in which we participate to rain down fury on the wicked females that so savagely ignore the treasure that is thrust before their very faces from time to time. I usually wait until after the hoe’s leave the sides of my unerringly perfect homies for none other than (and always, ALWAYS) a class D tool with a drunk smirk and NO game before I start hating them again.

Well guess the fuck what, bitches?

This year the rain comes down sooner. This time, there is fair warning and plenty of time for you to think abo…

HEY! STOP CHEWING YOUR GUM AND PAY ATTENTION!!!

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Listen honey, you will be so fortunate to even be in the same room as my folk that it blows my mind that yours isn’t blown yet. So before I lose it, PAY ATTENTION.

Now, where was I? Ahh, yes: fair warning.

This year I’m telling you BEFORE y’all fuck up and run off with some pretty ass frat boy who won’t treat you decently – these are the perfect guys.

Every time I’ve heard women describe the perfect man, both in movies and in real life, it has usually gone something like this (in no particular order):

• Handsome

• Masculine

• Sensitive

• Funny

• Intelligent

• Strong

• etc.

• etc.

I’m no expert, but I’ve got two pairs of eyes and ears and anyone with a chipmunk’s sense of perception should see that these guys got everything on that list, and them some. There are positive qualities that you haven’t even thought to want…and these guys already have them.

Honestly, I’ve still got an iota of understanding that you haven’t all met these fine young gentlemen, but I’m fairly sure that about 90% of you have, and the fact that you always, ALWAYS have a great time with them, laugh to your heart’s content around them, find them engaging and cute, and then leave them in the dust is no longer only unjustifiable — it’s unacceptable.

So listen, ladies — Tonight is your chance to redeem yourselves because these gentlemen will be attending. I expect to see some savage competition, including, but not by any means limited to:

• cat fights

• shameless flirting

• dancing…lots of dancing

• and general underhanded bitch scheming (lord knows you all were born experts at this).

• Making out in the corner. This is not limited to only one of you. As I said, fight over it.

• One of you may go home with each of them. Maybe 2 or 3, if they’re down. I won’t stand in the way of anything like that.

If I see any of you potentials running off with some square-jawed kid in a leather jacket and a bad attitude and I EVER hear you complain about not having a nice guy in your life, I will see to it that you are repeatedly run over by lawnmowers. Enough is enough. Buy the ticket take the ride.

You’ve been warned.